Defeat

This may sound ludicrous, but I have never suffered defeat in an attempt to realize a goal. Ever. Until today. Lance and I had decided to summit Box Elder Peak in Lone Peak Wilderness (an area which is one of the gnarliest I have visited in UT). It was a 4000ft climb over approximately 5 miles and it wasn't really a supposed to be a difficult hike. In fact, it wouldn't have been if we were properly prepared and didn't make such an error in judgment.

We gained A LOT of elevation in the first two miles. About 1500ft the first mile and 1000 the second mile. So this was exciting as we got the hard elevation gains out of the way, reserving energy for the summit. I didn't bring my map so Lance was navigating with his GPS. We were staying on the clearly marked trail, but it came to Lance's attention that we had started to walk away from the summit. Not knowing the exact route up we had to make a decision on how to approach the summit. We decided to go straight up and meet the ridge and follow it to the peak.

This was the error in judgment we made, and it cost us dearly. With a map we could easily see that the 600ft ridge we decided to walk up ends at a cliff and does not connect to Box Elder. In fact to reach Box Elder from the direction we went we would have had to drop down 800 ft and essentially start over. The traverse to the point where we realized this was very steep. According to my clinometer we were walking on a face whose upward angle varied between 40 and 60 degrees. We were traversing this face in an attempt to reach the ridge that would take us to the peak.

Walking across the face quickly became treacherous as the terrain turned into large fields of scree and loose, dry dirt. There were no solid rocks to hold onto so I found myself slipping frequently and digging holes into the dirt with my hand to create hand holds. I needed them as I couldn't have supported my weight on my feet alone without slipping down the face. About 100' down from where I was standing was an overhanging cliff that dropped down 400' to the bottom.

I didn't have waste straps on my pack that contained ALL of my climbing gear (rope, harness, locking biner, two belay devices, webbing, etc) and an MSR water pump so when I was on my hands and feet walking across the face my pack shifted a couple times throwing me off balance creating a large enough slide to put into perspective the gravity of my situation. I took off my pack and was going to throw it in front of me and attempt to let it slide down to where I was headed. As soon as the pack hit the ground it appeared as if it went into turbo mode and commenced rolling down the mountain full speed. I had a water bladder in the pack and it was spinning so fast that the water was being emptied and spraying in a circular fashion similar to a high powered water sprinkler. I could help but chuckling because at the time it was the least of my worries. The pack quickly disappeared from view never to be seen again.

I kept pushing on - a little disheartened - and was on one of the less declinated areas where I could stand and I lost my footing, went airborne, and landed my shin on the edge of a rock. I pulled the dime sized rock chip from under my skin and watched the blood flow. It was brief, but messy. Without my first aid kit or water to clean it up I kept walking. Lance was about 50 feet below me and every step I took pushed a mass of scree down over the ledge his way. "WILL YOU STOP WALKING BEFORE YOU KILL ME PLEASE!!" is what I finally heard. I knew he was frustrated and I didn't want to hurt him so I took a break. Moving on, I eventually got to a point where I knew I couldn't safely continue without roping in. So without rope, I began to descend.

I decided to scout the area where we think my pack travelled but with how fast it was moving and how steep the mountain was there was no telling where it stopped. The foliage and brush was also very thick, easily high enough to completely encompass a black backpack. The area we suspected it came to rest at was covered in low-lying pine trees, shrubs, and thorn bushes. It was also very steep and with all the brush I couldn't see where I was stepping so I was constantly losing my footing. Too many dangerous factors to be able to justify the continuation of my search. Gear lost.

It was at this point I realized I had been absolutely defeated. I only wanted to get down from the face we were on at this point. Without water or food and the massive amount of energy exerted on our fruitless traverse we decided it would be wise to head back. Ouch. Defeat and humility burning a hole into my brain as I began my walk AWAY from Box Elder Peak. It wasn't only defeat, but the realization that I am truly at the mercy of the mountains.

Some lessons were learned and luckily they were only at the cost of a gashed up shin and some monetary loss. I realize things could have gone differently but I am not going to doubt my decision to go as far as I did. I did decide to turn back when I hit the wall - a wall which I have never hit - where I simply knew was far too unsafe to continue. It is such a humbling experience, and while at the time I was feeling differently, I have a new appreciation for the gravity that accompanies walking into the wilderness. It is an appreciation that I hold in the same regard as the love that is felt when I am surrounded by the wilderness. I not only see a peaceful, serene vista that embodies love and soul, but also a turbulent, living, dynamic creature that is never, ever to be taken for granted.

Questions

The reward for frequent exercises in reflection and contemplation is a better understanding of self and a healthier psyche, amongst many, many other effects. In a society where we are becoming more and more time impoverished it's becoming a forgotten and misunderstood activity. People are becoming disconnected from themselves and in turn are becoming afraid to stop the world around them and spend actual time alone.

• What drives people to deceive?
• Why do people try to spare each others feelings?
• What motivates people to assume a particular identity?
• How do you create a balance between a healthy soul and a rewarding career?
• What is the price of exploring and developing your own religious views?
• What determines value?
• Is industrialization truly crippling the globe?
• If our objective is a rewarding afterlife, why care for the Earth we inhabit for such a glimmer of time?
• Is technology getting in the way of art?
• Is it better to be absolutely sure, introspective, or blissfully unaware?
• Is it possible to create a perfect balance between humility, ego, arrogance, confidence, and empathy?
• Are you comfortable with who you are?
• Are you certain you know what you want?
• Do you think you have all the answers?!

Lone Peak solo summit

I have historically had a bad habit of overpreparing for a backpacking trip. I knew ten minutes in that my pack was at least 15 pounds too heavy. It's not a loss though; I see it as more conditioning. I knew by the topo map this was going to be a pretty steep climb but what I didn't anticipate was a trail littered with small boulders and rocks. I'm two miles in and I feel like the majority of my ascent has been stepping up 18-24" rocks.

I think heat exhaustion has set in and my quadriceps are beginning to perpetually cramp up with every step. It is for this reason I am taking an extended break to write, eat, and drink masses of water. I came across a rapidly flowing stream that blunders down a steep canyon for hundreds of feet. There is a large platform type rock that edges a relatively deep pool before making its way over the steep boulders below. The only sound I hear is the rushing water and occasional gupls the fast moving water makes in the pool of water before me. I soaked y bare feet in the water to cool off for a moment and it is cold! Probably 45*. It is however so invigorating.



To the immediate north are bare, towering, granite ralls that rise five hundred feet above me. It is these walls that help form the canyon I traverse. They are steep and sheer but almost bouldering with deep contours gracefully strewn about them.

The air is cool - with the aid of the cool stream - at approximately 7200ft. I have climbed around 2500 feet in 2 miles. By the looks of it I have anouther 2.5 miles and 2000ft. This is comforting to know the remaining climb will not be as aggressive as the climb to this point.

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Pain has never been so rewarding as it is now. After my hour lunch break I started on the trail again and not even 5 minutes in I came across a rather stunning waterfall. Not just the height, or the volume of the water, but the unique manner it was making its way down the mountain. There are occasional pine trees in the route and the top splits into two directions both making their way unobstructively around a mound of granite causing the split. In this mount the two pine trees are holding steadfast in crevasses in the granite.

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LOST IN THE BRUSH

Shortly before the waterfall there was a split in the trail. In one direction was the stream and in the other was up up up. The split that went up was marked with a cairn and I knew I had to at some point - VERY CLOSE - cross the stream. For this reason the cairn and the opportunity to cross the stream over a makeshift bridge sent me in that direction. The trail quickly became overgrown with brush and at times I couldn't tell if I was on a trail at all.

The trail finally disappeared and I decided to walk through the brush and continue to follow the canyon up. I finally dead-ended at a granite face and not wanting to turn back I clumbed up with my pack. It was very steep and smooth. What a wonderful decision I made. I am sitting on top of the face with an amazing view of the canyon I just walked up and the granite gliffs to the north. With or without a trail I am fairly certain I will be able to find the reservoir. Fairly being the keyword.

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Made it to the reservoir. It truly is gorgeous here. I have experienced some major cramps in my quads that stopped me from bending my legs at all. I stopped about a half mile from the reservoir and took a nap on a rock for about 45 minutes. After putting on sun block! Super sore and exhausted I dredged through the last half mile. I was elated when I realized I was there. In nearly two hours that have passed since I first sat down I think I moved from this spot twice.

As I sit here in front of the lake I am having a hard time thinking of little else besides where the fish go or do after they jump into the world above theirs, or what I love and admite. My mind is completely clear of confustion, doubt, or stress. As I write I frequently find myself up to gather inspiration from the landscape or to briefly think of the beauty of a loved one's face. I find myself frequently gazing at the mountain, reflecting its beauty.

The benefits of a solo trip to the mountains were not expected to be this plentiful and amazing. Of all my time spent in the wilderness I have never felt so uplifted and free from any weight or pressures from society.

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Woke up this morning eager to get moving. It was 6am and the only reason I got up was because I gazed outside of my tent and saw a clear view of the moon and another large star or planet to its left setting behind the range of mountains to the SE of the lake. The sky was barely illuminated by the soon-to-rise sun. I was also a little excited to get moving before the sun got strong enough for discomfort.

I've discerned from the map that Lone Peak is almost directly south of me and it doesn't look like the peak can be more than 1.25 miles way - which is fairly exciting.

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Thunder Mountain was relatively easy. It was a little exhausting but wasn't anyhthing technical. Lone Peak is a totally different story. From the direction I decided to approach it (North) it is seemingly straight up along the entire face and rises up about 1400ft. I believe it is within my capabilities so I decided to make the approach and summit.

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MADE IT! I am relaxing on the top of Lone Peak eating a pack of dry Ramen noodles. I am alone and knew for this I had to be overly cautious. This unfortunately had the side effect of nervousness. I finally overcame this and when I did I started to gain ground much faster. Some places were literally straight up requiring me to pull myself up over a ledge. There was no marked route so I had to find what I believed to be the best. I rarely only depended on my legs and I think this allowed me to move faster more evenly distributing the load.

Being alone almost turned me back in a few places because a fall would have been much more difficult to address without a partner. I was however able to find a safe route and on one occasion I dropped down 20-30ft to a safer route.

The view up here is unobstructed and I can see what feels like forever approximately 270* around me.

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The hike down was wasn't any easier than the hike up due to exhaustion. Lost the trail a few times and when I finally got to the last half mile I took a wrong turn and ended up in a subdivision. I was cramping miserably and so dehydrated. I saw a Sandy Watershed city employee and asked where I was and where the trailhead was and he said it was about 3 miles from where I was. There was a lady outside of her house and overheard our conversation and remarked "You can just go back up and catch the trail if you trace your steps" to which I replied "I don't have the capability to walk up anymore." I asked the city employee how much trouble it would be to give me a ride up to the trail and he said "Sorry, company policy."

In complete dismay I started walking on the sidewalk with my pack. Losing daylight and not entirely sure where I was I contemplated calling a cab. Not even two minutes into my walk the lady whose home I came out by drove up with a ice cold bottle of water and told me to put my gear in the back and get in. I don't think there was anything at this point that could have lifted my spirits more.

I got to my car, and after nearly completely breaking down, thought about how lucky I am to have the opportunity for such an amazing experience and the ability to appreciate. Never has a trip to the wilderness been so mentally and physically challenging, and so emotionally trying and rewarding. It was as if a veil was lifted and everything that had ever or currently been bothering me was gone completely.

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Full gallery:

Lone Peak Solo

Reward beyond ego; spirit

Going to the top of a mountain is rewarding regardless of its shape, grade, vigor, prominence, or elevation. While it's hard to profess that those factors don't contribute to any greater victory it's easy to profess that climbing to the top of any mountain, regardless of its characteristics, is equally rewarding in all aspects outside of ego.

Ego for me is a very small prize for accomplishing a goal set forth. I find more value in the serenity I find at the top. The more time I spend in the mountains the more I realize that every mountain offers its own unique set of challenges, views, and experiences. Standing on top of a peak - regardless of its size - allows for the same reflection, contemplation, and admiration. It allows for an equal opportunity to explore a mildly spiritual connection to my soul and to the souls in the natural bodies around me. It perpetuates my love for God and the simple appreciation for the Earth that is in my opinion required - or at least greatly contributes - for a healthy psyche.

There is no small victory in accomplishing any goal when you can embrace everything else associated with going to the top of a mountain. It is this perspective that has allowed me to - outside of ego - to appreciate a mountain of any size equally. And without the overbearing clouding of infalted ego and with the ability to push through deep pain, my time in the mountains can be blissfully rewarding on a consistent basis.

Spiritual, wilderness quotes

I like reading other authors' work to help me put into words how I feel or approach an idea or philosophy. I especially like to read works of philosophy and anything dealing with the human struggle, soul, spirit, or wilderness because they are all at the center of my personal drive and inspiration. These aren't mindless regurgitations; I hold all of these quotes in high regard and they have some important meaning to me in some manner.

If I were to ever choose who to summit a peak with I would without hesitation name John Muir. He and I may share some sort of descendant spirit.

John Muir
“Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out that going to the mountain is going home; that wildness is necessity; that mountain parks and reservations are useful not only as fountains of timber and irrigating rivers, but as fountains of life.”

“The gross heathenism of civilization has generally destroyed nature, and poetry, and all that is spiritual.”

“In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.”

"The Mountains are calling and I must go."

“Keep close to Nature's heart...and break clear away, once in awhile, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean.”

"I care to live only to entice people to look at nature's loveliness. My only special self is nothing (I want to be) like a flake of glass through which light passes." -John Muir

"In the midst of such beauty, pierced with its rays, one's body is all one tingling palate. Who wouldn't be a mountaineer! Up here all the world's prizes seem nothing."

"No synonym for God is so perfect as Beauty. Whether as seen carving the lines of the mountains with glaciers, or gathering matter into stars, or planning the movement of water, or gardening -- still all is Beauty! "

"Society speaks and all men listen, mountains speak and wise men listen. "

"If my soul could get away from this so-called prison, be granted all the list of attributes generally bestowed on spirits, my first ramble on spirit-wings would not be among the volcanoes of the moon. Nor should I follow the sunbeams to their sources in the sun. I should hover about the beauty of our own good star. I should not go moping around the tombs, nor around the artificial desolation of men. I should study Nature's laws in all their crossings and unions: I should follow magnetic streams to their source and follow the shores of our magnetic oceans. I should go among the rays of the aurora, and follow them to their beginnings, and study their dealings and communions with other powers and expressions of matter. And I should go to the very center of our globe and read the whole splendid page from the beginning."

"I . . . am always glad to touch the living rock again and dip my hand in the high mountain air."

"The mountains are fountains of men as well as of rivers, of glaciers, of fertile soil. The great poets, philosophers, profits, able men whose thoughts and deeds have moved the world, have come down from the mountains -- mountain-dwellers who have grown strong they are with the forest trees in Natures work-shops."


Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."

"He enjoys true leisure who has time to improve his soul's estate. "

"That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest."

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

"To preserve wild animals implies generally the creation of a forest for them to dwell in or resort to."

Tolstoy
"Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone. Love is God, and to die means that I, a particle of love, shall return to the general and eternal source." -Tolstoy

"One of the first conditions of happiness is that the link between Man and Nature shall not be broken. " - Tolstoy

"Where Love Is, God Is"

"God is not love, but the more there is of love, the more man manifests God, and the more he truly exists..."

"Quite often a man goes on for years imagining that the religious teaching that had been imparted to him since childhood is still intact, while all the time there is not a trace of it left in him. "

"The recognition that love represents the highest morality was nowhere denied or contradicted, but this truth was so interwoven everywhere with all kinds of falsehoods which distorted it, that finally nothing of it remained but words."

Other

"You will be more inspired by these mountains in a year than a lifetime of reading inspired authors' writings." -David Ryder

"Only after the last tree has been cut down
Only after the last river has been poisoned
Only after the last fish has been caught
Only then you will find out that money cannot be eaten" - Cree Indian Prophecy

"Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed." - Mohandas Gandhi

“I would rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on earth.” -Steve Mcqueen

"The love of wilderness is more than a hunger for what is always beyond reach; it is also an expression of loyalty to the earth ... the only home we shall ever know, the only paradise we ever need -- if only we had the eyes to see." -Edward Abbey

"Humanity is cutting down its forests, apparently oblivious to the fact that we may not be able to live without them. " -Isaac Asimov

"In the mountain, stillness surges up to explore its own height; In the lake, movement stands still to contemplate its own depth." - Tagore

"I think I could turn and live with the animals, they are so placid and self-contained. " - Walt Whitman

"The smaller we come to feel ourselves compared to the mountain, the nearer we come to participating in its greatness. I do not know why this is so." -Arne Naess

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." - Helen Keller

Disconnect from "nature"

Everybody enjoys their own version of the mountains. There is no limit to the number of attributes which draw an individual to the mountains and everyone can appreciate their own interpretation of the joy they bring. They are so simple yet they have the capability to attract the most complex and diverse pool of perception brought by man. You can derive that this leads to the realization that every human shares one instinctual characteristic - on a spiritual level - that connects us all: a subconscious draw to the natural Earth. The overbearing mounds of rocks that quietly exert their power over us.

This instinct however can be hindered - or inhibited - by a socialization that teaches us that humans and nature are two separate entities. That we go in and out of nature on our own cognizance. This however is disingenuous to our inherent relationship to "nature" as one could argue that we are born of the natural Earth and therefore there is no way to disconnect ourselves from nature, only to misunderstand our meaning to it.

We all have different appreciations. Different lenses that show a different beauty to each individual. So it makes this attraction unique - to all of us. Your level of appreciation may vary and it may very well be determined by the condition of your soul. If you can subscribe to the idea that natural entities have souls, or contain some form of a soul, then it would be easy to believe that your connection to those entities can be clouded or strained if you don't have a healthy connection to your own soul.

Realizations, awakening, and goals

I started backpacking with my father when I was around 14. Fourteen years later, I have come a long way in my abilities and knowledge. I always felt I have done a lot but since I have been to Utah I have realized that my relative experience and knowledge has been dwarfed by how much is to be learned and experienced here. Between freeing myself from a shadowing relationship and coming to one of the most inspiring locations imaginable, my priorities, dreams, and celebrations on life have slowly returned. I'm reaching a point where I feel completely free and it has re-awakened part of my psyche and soul that I have long forgotten about. My sense of adventure, ambition, love, and deep passion for everything Earthly has returned.

I have done hikes and summits more strenuous and masochistic than Timp but I have never done anything so inspiring at a point of being where I could be so moved by something so simple. A series of events, experiences, and realizations have helped me to form a idea for the direction I want to take in conquering personal goals that parallel in ways to the common human struggle.

Immediately, I have a summer wish list of 7 peaks in the surrounding area that I want to summit once a week on a long (14-16hr) dayhike. These will shoot my endurance and climbing strength through the roof. Kings Peak, Deseret Peak, Lone Peak, Box Elder Peak, White Baldy, Thunder Mountain, and Twin Peaks. I want to do a winter summit to Timp with snowshoes and backcountry skis to go down. I want to do Mt. Whitney in the spring and in the coming 2 years take down as many of the CO 14ers as possible and become and intermediate climber before attempting a summit on Denali.

Mt. Timpanogos Summit

I knew Mt Timpanogos was a very popular destination, but I didn't really have a strong notion of how unique it is. I spent the weekend at Timp and it was probably one of the most rewarding destinations I have reached. It was full of adventure, snow, and diversity. There is a suggestion that mountains are living, moving entities, and that they aren't inanimate and unintelligent. I would have to agree with this sentiment and add that every new destination (for some) creates more desire to explore the unknown.

Lance and I started at the parking lot of Timpanoake trail in the American Fork canyon. The first day was to be 5 miles, 3,000 feet, and the establishment of a camp site. The second day was going to be a packless ascent to the summit of Timp. Approximately 2 miles and 1,000 ft would land us on the top of the mountain. Nearly 2 miles into the hike we came across Scout Falls and contemplated its beauty. The rest of the first day climb was fairly relaxed and we reached our destination at around 1pm. It gave us the entire day to nap, read, EAT, reflect, and contemplate.

We woke up the next morning and cooked some dehydrated breakfast and packed everything up. After stashing our packs, we headed for the base of the mountain. Nearly the entire surface of the Bowl and the faces of the initial ascents were covered in snow. At the ascent to the saddle we couldn't see a trail so we were compelled to make our own. We weaved up our own blazed trail winding through switchbacks and steep, slippery rock faces. There is no doubt that without snow boots I would not have made it up, or likely would have slipped down the face of the mountain. There was surely an easier path but it was completely covered in snow.

Once we got near the saddle we saw a herd of mountain goats. Some juveniles that were born this season. And they weren't giving way to us so we got close enough to smell them. The juveniles were extremely curious but the adults were fairly lackadaisical about our presence. We reached the summit and I sat and read a few chapters from Into The Wild. We headed around the ridge of the summit towards the glacier. Somehow me must have missed the actual trail and ended up at a dead-end that was a 20-ft vertical face to the trail. Not wanting to walk back to find the trail we decided to do an easy downclimb.








To the glacier. This was definitely the steepest and longest snow bank that I skied down. But, I stayed on my feet the entire time. This one of three slopes I "skied" down (with shoes) and at one point I had gained so much speed I faceplanted and tumbled over once (with my backpack on) and stood up and kept going. By far some of the most exciting portions of the weekend.

This is a great mountain to practice on for larger and more technical summits as it shares a lot of characteristics of larger mountains. I don't think it would have been nearly as exciting without the snow and I look forward to a harsh winter so I can get some practice and conditioning for future planned trips.